I’m liking how I relate this past debacle with an ex to my mistakes rather than just say how crazy she was. Don’t get me wrong. She was crazy; but so are a lot of people, and I somehow didn’t date them, so it seems my behaviors and beliefs were a bit more in need of attention.
So, of those beliefs and behaviors, mistake #3 in my abusive relationship with Karen involved putting up with a bunch of nonsense regarding other men.
Nothing But Men
There is a relatively well-known rule in the world of men that if a woman has nothing but male friends, the woman is trouble. But Karen tricked me. You see, Karen had two great female friends. Her first woman friend was her best friend that she had grown up with and had all these wild times doing crazy stuff(ie, the friend that always got her into trouble). The other friend was a close friend she worked with. So, no problem, right. She didn’t hang out with guys all the time and she had two close in person female friends. Perfect.
And then I realized it was a trick. Karen’s “best friend” from childhood at this point lived 5 states away and talked to her maybe once every 3 months. She was like those friends you grow apart from: great to hang out with and have some beers every few years, but not really close friends anymore. The other friend she worked with she talked to only at work, and only ever about gossip regarding that woman. And 2 months in that “close” relationship went south when Karen told all her coworkers how silly that “close” coworker should feel about being involved in a gangbang and needing to get an abortion. Real class act that Karen.
And there were lots of men, just not in person. Karen had 5 male “friends” online, 2 of which were from Europe, and 3 out of 5 that were very well off, like you would know their last name if you heard it well off. And she talked to them for hours a week online. No biggie right. Right? Doh!
When I mentioned to Karen that it was not cool she was talking to all these men online, she went into a rage, accusing me of a) stifling her and being one of those guys that won’t let women talk to their own family and b) deflecting for the obvious shady things with other women I was covering up for somehow. At that point, most people would have walked, but not me. I thought “I can’t be one of those guys that tells women what to do. No, I have to be respectful and not be a jealous douchebag.”
Those men on the internet were well off. And they loved to give gifts to Karen. Like $300 gifts. $500 gifts. No big deal, Karen assured me, because these guys were so well off that much money was like 5 dollars to the rest of us. Two problems with that: 1) Uh, no. 2) If you remember from one of the earlier posts, Karen was not helping out financially at all, and if these guys were so loaded, why weren’t we ballin.
And then there were the nice gifts that Karen got me. Really expensive collector’s dvd sets and movie memorabilia. How did she have so much money to buy me such nice gifts and not have money for the rent? Strange huh. Could it be that those guys were buying those gender neutral gifts for her and then she was regifting them to me? Naaaaaah.
But at least they were all online. She didn’t bang any of those guys.
She totally banged two of those guys while we were together.
The infidelity was actually late in our relationship and by this time, Karen was certain I was cheating on her with this other woman. That supposed infidelity was reason enough for her to cheat on me twice. So, not only did this woman that would not stop telling me how much she loved me not stop cheating on me, she would also not stop screaming at me for cheating on her constantly which I never did.
But again, I stayed around.
Karen’s father was an interesting guy. In coding language, he would be written like this:
const karenDaddy = document.getElementById(“goddman-motherfucker”);
He was a bastard, a straight up, outright bastard. He beat his daughter and called her horrid names from the time she was born all the way through our relationship. He was a mean drunk that was even meaner when he was sober. He played favorites with his children and Karen wasn’t it, and he let her know it. He was loud and obnoxious.
Mind you: I’m not telling you any of that to inspire sympathy for Karen. Sure, Karen deserves some sympathy, maybe; but in this story, she used all that sympathy up by hurting everyone around her. It’s like a person whose mother got murdered wanting sympathy after he killed a bunch of other people’s mothers.
I’m telling you about Karen’s abusive father because I had to be around him too damn much. He was abusive, but for some reason she would have him over all of the time. And he was just as loud and obnoxious when he was in my house or worse, taking us out to dinner. And he was really nice to me. Like that icky shmoozy nice where a dude talks about how he really connects with you as a person between slipping 1’s in a strippers g-string and then saying “Now get lost, bitch.”
He was awful. I felt unsafe around him, like the cops were going to be there any moment and somehow I was going to be blamed for something that he started. And, at that point, anyone that could make me forget how awful Karen was and focus on their awful was a pretty interesting example of terrible.
So cheating with other men and daddy issues. Why did I stay around? At first it was that old honor thing sticking up where I said, “Men are always trying to limit women. I need to be better than that” and then proceeded to deny my own wishes and desires were valid. It’s known in some circles as white knighting. But later on, it was because I was afraid of her. I wanted to get out, but I was convinced, quite literally she would either murder me or get me arrested and put away for life. And that’s not hyperbole.
But I’ll tell you about that in the next post.