This is Janeane Garofalo.
Look at that smug face. Just look at it! Sitting there. A sly smirk of someone that is nice and happy with themselves for what they’ve gotten away with. Self-loathing pretense while eating caviare and lamenting the plight of us little people. I can feel her pity from here. Bah!
This post is about something that has grown near and dear to me. I started to write it as a joke, but the more i’ve contemplated it over the weeks leading up to this, the more I think that, indeed, I really do hate Janeane Garofalo!
‘Gasp! No, E. No! Not indierockers’ underground comedic sweetheart! Not the dark Italian Catholic/athiest offbeat everywoman of the 90’s from that fucking dogs and cats movie or whatever the fuck it was! No, she’s so awesome and edgy!”
But I’m here to tell you, brothers and sisters, Janeane Garofalo is a lie! The whole woman! The whole shtick! REPENT!
When I was in high school, Janeane Garofalo was the whack-off fantasy of every indierock/grungy/post-punk/alternative boy (and some girls too) that wore Air Walks and those goddamn thick-rimmed glasses that hipsters wear (you KNOW the one’s I’m talking about). Somber pseudo-intellectual boys that wore all black as they wrote poetry by candlelight in their dark maroon-walled rooms pined after this darling, short, up and down “weight problem”-having, devoutly feminist, brainy and witty, bookish, raven-haired beauty in all her multiple black band and hemp-tied wrist glory. And, come on, she had those glasses and wore dark red lipstick. She was the real deal, right?! She wasn’t only sort of hot, she looked like she might actually go out with me, right?! Whack on whack off, Daniel-san!
But NO! NO, I say again! Don’t you believe it! It’s a bunch of nonsense! And I’ll lay out in great detail EXACTLY why you too should hate this villainess! Hear my plea, world!
1. That Annoying “Not-Classically Beautiful” Bullshit Shtick
Ladies and gentlemen of the “who deserves our vexation” jury, I submit to you that in almost every appearance ever made by one Janeane Garofalo in any movie, stand-up routine, television series and probably even animated shorts I’m sure, she has continually,obnoxiously and without fail milked this nonsensical idea of her not truly being attractive in a world surrounded by obviously more classically beautiful people (i.e., others as more facially symmetrical, thinner, better proportioned, taller, better smelling, not a gila monster, etc).
I submit to you all that this continually abused and oft lodged claim is utter balderdash in the face of a mountain of evidence. As a clear demonstration of that evidence, I submit to you that she has been in a large amount of movies, television shows and stand-up comedy specials over the years, each time garnering praise for her quirkiness and yes, HER LOOKS! Let us be quite clear here: one does not get guest roles and, indeed, lead roles in major bankrolled Hollywood romantic-comedies over and over again by being unattractive, especially the kind of unattractive that the devil Miss Garofalo would have you believe she is and has been from the inception of her career. I mean that unattractive where you go to ask a woman to dance in a dim room only to realize that you’re going to have to figure out how to explain to the woman, upon closer inspection of this newly found wildebeest , that you’re just trying to get to the other side of the room.
No, ladies and gentleman, it is undeniable: Miss Garofalo has been attractive for the majority of her career. Her up and down weight issues have been the kind that only Hollywood would care about, at her worst looking like the girl you thought needed to put on a pound or two in college in order to be healthy. She has sat and explicitly modeled poses for major magazines that have done exposes and interviews on her (none of which were titled “How Did This Ugly Bitch Make It In This Business?”). She has been attractive enough to date multiple celebrity men in Hollywood, men that could easily get models and even some supermodels if they wanted. In fact, she is still considered attractive enough to be put on primetime network television and in major motion pictures to this day and she is now in her mid 40’s.
But it is much worse than all that, I tell you. For it’s not that she just milks this stupid shtick for a measly ironic laugh from boys that have one hand down their pants and girls that actually are unattractive but can pretend they look like her since she’s saying she’s unattractive too. No, it’s that her shtick is an affront against unattractive and downright beastly people everywhere, especially women. In fact, in the feminist sense, her failure to acknowledge her attractiveness is an all out assault on feminist pedagogy, misleading women and, ironically, setting up unrealistic standards of unattractiveness. Janeane Garofalo is the anti-model infiltrator that tells unattractive women their plight is much worse than even they realized because they’re not even that good-looking. I tell you now, it is nothing less than a slap in the face of all ugly people everywhere. If you’re buying her nonsense, why not beg her, “Thank you, Mistress Garofalo! May I have another!”
2. That Bullshit Daria Act
To be fair, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I think Daria was likely based on JG more than the other way around as she predates the iconic cartoon female high school anti-hero by some years. However, that changes nothing of the basic souped up slacker act she’s been peddling for years, almost milking it as much as the idea that she’s not attractive. Almost! I knew a lot of slackers in high school and college that had the exact same rap while they were skateboarding and looking to score a sack while putting off studying for their English lit exam in 2 days. They hung out and talked shit about how everything sucked and how annoyed they were with everything all the time. But nobody much ever paid them any mind. You know why? Two reasons: they weren’t attractive and they weren’t movie stars.
Again, this is insidious as it leads unattractive women to act like douchebag girls from junior high that were really into the Cure and liked to smoke Camel Lights in hopes that they too will develop the razor-sharp whit and, by extension, attractiveness, and by extension further, love and adoration of people that the great deceiver Garofalo has cultivated in her cult-like following for years now. So, not only has she lied to you to get you to believe that she’s just not attractive enough to not have developed a dysfunctional personality from all the years of rejection in a world surrounded by aphrodites, she’s also advocated that annoying slacker routine to people that it really doesn’t work for at all. For shame!
3. She’s Filthy Fucking Rich!
You know what you get from making all those tv shows and romantic comedies? Yes, that’s right: the right to be called attractive. But for this round of “Fucko Jeopardy,” we were looking for “an assload of money!” There’s just no other way to say it. She can go to her Manhattan skyline penthouse and lay on a bed pile of money she got from making one of a zillion well paid appearances in any number of media and just rub herself with two dollar bills because fuck George Washington. If she does happen to live in a less ritzier place like Brooklyn, you can be sure it’s because she has that choice and is trying to live, at best, ironically, or at worst, with the “real” people where “real” life happens; you know, because you lesser people are just so darn interesting. It’s much like if the guy on the middle bunk of the 3 person bunkbed in the halfway house wasn’t interested in living in his summer home because he was trying to get to the essence of true suffering. It’s supposed to sound all deep, but really it’s like kicking a homeless person in the balls and telling them you really identify with their struggle. Again, a slap in the face of poor people everywhere.
And you probably already know where I’m about to go with this track. Because not only is she filthy rich; she’s also attractive; movie star attractive. And she has adoring fans. And a publicist. And likely a stylist. And likely a masseuse. And late night phone calls from celebrities. And poor unattractive women are now acting like Daria, ensuring the little chance of having a guy treat them with any kind of respect will go right out the window and those women are NONE of those things! And never will be! Again, a huge lie! A HUGE slap in the face of women everywhere. The bar for unattractive is set even higher now. “But if only you weren’t SO hideous that you couldn’t even reach JG’s meager unattractive status, you wouldn’t have any financial problems either. No, ladies, you’re truly fucked up!” Fight the power in that great feminist way, Devil Janeane!
4. She’d Be AWFUL To Be In a Relationship With
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you here and now that, regardless of the blisters on the penises caused by boys raging against the machine in their pants while watching Mystery Men in their parents’ basement while having visions of holding hands and Valentine’s candy with a full-cheeked smiling Garofalo batting goo goo eyes, there can be NO DOUBT that JG would be absolutely horrible to be in a relationship with in any romantic way. I submit this portion of the argument in lettered subsections:
a) Cutting Whit and Hidden Rage
There can be no doubt that the devil Garofalo has amazing powers of zingerness and ability to level devastating comedic assaults at someone, causing self-esteem walls to crumble in a matter of seconds. But, for one moment, let us take a walk down your own personal memory lane. Of the men, who here remembers being in a relationship with a woman? Good. Did you ever have an argument with her? Really? It was very uncomfortable wasn’t it? Now imagine a rich, “edgy,” Hollywood actress used to getting what she wants with a good vocabulary and an unapologetic willingness and talent to cut deeply into the myriad of problem traits you possess with comedic insults and looks of being utterly unimpressed.
“Look, JG, you can’t treat me like this! This is not fair. I’m a human being.”
“No no. You are so much more than a human being. I think the term Adonis is what the young ladies in cowboy hats and empty Coors Light bottle hand weights are throwing around the Coyote Ugly Bar when they see a man put away not two but 5 slices of pizza while wearing no shirt. Please, continue to learn me all that is righteous and true in your Herculean/Swarzaneggerean world of Pappa John’s.”
“Oh fuck you, Garofalo.”
“A man of clear diction and literary flare as well. I am truly blessed. Shall I davit in your direction or get thee ass to a nunnery forthwith?”
“Whatever? An air of mystery surrounds you, fetching young buck. That will serve you well when you’re sleeping on the park bench tonight instead of my nice condo. You can pretend you’re in a mysterious spy thriller of the Cold War Era. Try telling people things in coded messages in the park at 2 in the morning. See if they take the secret package from you. I’ll be at Dennis Leary’s smoking pot with the other riffraff that aren’t worthy of such a man of letters at yourself. I bid you adieu with a mighty ‘go fuck your mother.'”
And that’s before the pure rage kicks in. Because you know the whit does run out and the pure anger must shoot through her like a lava flow. The same smile that is like this; can have cheeks that go from so high to obviously so down like this.
You see the problem. Nobody needs that. And then it’s all like, “Oh hell no. You are an imbecillic douchebag that is riding my coattails to Gravy Train Station, and it’s time to disembark, motherfucker! Now out of my house before I stab you in the neck with my bizarrely framed portrait given to me by Ben Stiller! Out, Assface! Oh screw it. Die, you bastard!”
Did a chill run down your spine just then? I know it did mine.
b) The Sex Must Be Extraordinarily Awful
The Beast Garofalo presents herself as a feminist with a decent knowledge of feminist theory and an outspoken political stance. Combine that with a talent for cutting jibes and the kind of entitlement that highly paid Hollywood types are accustomed too and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a world of grief when playtime finally hits. First off, the witch Garofalo has openly spoken out against shaved nether regions and therefore, we can assume it is a veritable forest down there. She is also Italian (partly) and so it may well be a tropical forest down in “then jungle.” But don’t you dare say anything about it. In fact, if there is one thing you’re not happy about, keep to your damn self! Because there is little doubt that sooner or later (probably sooner), you’re going to hear this when you’re completely naked with an erection in front of her; “Um, I don’t know why you think that kind of sexual fantasy is okay to even mention to someone like me, but I assure you, if you’d like to peddle your dicklet and your woman-hating ways in some other forum, preferably Chris Hanson’s, that may be the ONLY way you can find satisfaction, because if you suggest that or try that again with me, I will expedite you joining N.O.W. by cutting your stuff off. Understand? Great. Now turn out the lights and don’t touch yourself again where I have to see it.”
That’s ONE scenario. But it could be the other way too, where she’s a sexual beast in the sack. That might just be even worse though, ladies and gentlemen. Remember that rage thing? In the same vein, she may well let the wall of control and collectedness come down and let loose a fury of demon lust that looks more like the final scene from the Thing than any porno ever made; you know, that type of anger filled ride where you’re not sure if she wants to fuck you as much as get you back for all the times she’s gone unsatisfied in an over controlled life by violently rocking back and forth and making you say, “Ouch! Yes, that’s…um, hot…um…Ouch….um…..ah, ew…Ow…No…please…stop. Help!” It would look like this.
OR she’s one of those over controlled people that lets go and becomes emotional and starts crying and telling you how wonderful it all is while you try figure out how to tell her that it’s great except for the fact that nothing’s actually happened yet. And then you spend the rest of the time with someone crying and not actually having sex and expecting you tell her how meaningful this not exactly sex is to you. The point to all of this is that sexually, it just can’t be any good no matter which way you turn.
Ultimately, entitlement is likely the thing that makes JG the most unpalatable in any arena. Make no mistake: again, she is an acclaimed attractive, Hollywood leading (sometimes) actress and comedienne with lots of money that has had years if not decades of people kissing her ass and catering to her like they do all stars. She knows not of the struggle of average Joe paying bills so his kids will shut the hell up or having to figure out if he needs to get front tires on his car instead of paying the cable bill this month. She does not know the meaning of waiting in long lines on a daily basis. She doesn’t know people not wanting to talk to you and not caring if you live or die in front of them. She is entitled and that’s par for the celebrity course. Normally, I wouldn’t hold that against a celebrity; however, the demon Garofalo plies her trade on the image of being the anti-heroine of slacker valley, a misunderstood alternative chick that has struggled so much in life due to her less that stellar looks and mistreatment from the universe. It’s much like that fucking supermodel that shows you her amazing senior picture from her high school yearbook and tells you what a dork and nerd she was when you just know she was #1 on the list when guys would play that favorite yearbook game “Oh I’d totally fuck that chick!” Another big ol slap in the face.
Ladies and gentlemen of this fine jury. The case is too clear. It is settled. Miss Garofalo did willingly and knowingly attempt to deceive us all with this obnoxious and nonsensical shtick about her not being attractive and having developed a Daria-like personality because of it. She has struck at the heart of young indierock boys and pseudo intellectuals everywhere based on false pretenses, the same general population that were so sure Wynona Rider would be the lay of the century if only she’d give them a chance. She hit at the very heart of the feminist movement she claims to support by setting an unrealistic bar for what is considered unattractive. While her comedic rants are funny from time to time, one can no longer ignore the mountain of evidence that it’s all a lie!
Oh no, I say you’ve been had! Hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Run amok upon! We didn’t land on Janeane Garofalo! Janeane Garofalo landed on us! And I for one will no longer turn a blind eye to this undeniable deceit any longer. Sensitive alternative boys, no longer must you flog the dolphin while imagining this woman is so charming and deep in only someone would give her a chance. They’ve been giving her taken-chances for years. She’s rich. You still live in studio apartment in the shitty part of town. Wake up from the lie!
I’ll say it here and I’ll say it now and I’ll say it proud: I hereby hate Janeane Garofalo!
- 68 reviews of Janeane Garofalo (rateitall.com)
- Just Asking.. What would you Rather Have – a Threesome with Fred and Ethel or a “Date” and a night of “Scintillating” Conversation with Janeane Garofalo? (ferrellgummit.wordpress.com)