I do the right thing most of the time. I’m sure I can be a jackass with the best of em, but I try to keep it in check. I actually kind of wince when I even think about harming someone else, even if by accident. I’m just not that kind of person. And even more recently, I’ve been on this whole gentleman kick, learning all about the what it means to be a refined gentleman (luckily most of the books are from the 1800′s I’ve been using as reference materials, so we haven’t hit blogging manners yet .)
But I confess I, perhaps like a lot of people, daydream every now and then about being a complete sociopathic power mongering bastard that lays waste to the world in favor of satiating his own id. The id, you’ll remember from your intro psych course you slept through, is the unbridled desire part of our nature. It’s the thing that just wants what it wants regardless of consequences. Sometimes I daydream about giving in and letting the id take completely over.
Such thoughts can get pretty dark with visions of torturous revenge on those that have even slightly wronged me, taking whatever I want from whatever store and clocking any motherfucker that dares say no to me, fucking any woman that might strike my fancy at any moment, and much more morbid and diabolical than a blog post should reasonably explore. Suffice to say, some of the thoughts you wouldn’t want others to really know you have. It’s kind of like a girl admitting she sucked a goat off when she was a drunk teenager. Sure she’s sobered up now and is a schoolteacher, but you just can’t help but think, “She’s actually went there. She’s tainted forevermore in my mind.”
This isn’t just wanting to explore power. It’s also a thing where I just vividly imagine myself not caring if someone cries or bleeds in front of me. Instead, it’s having the darkness enough to walk on by to get whatever I want at the time. It’s not psychopathic in that I want to harm people as much as I just want what I want, and if someone else doesn’t like that, they would have to be shut up. It’s about desire and eradicating anything that gets in the way of my desire, even if my desire at the moment is to investigate what a person’s nose looks like busted.
I suspect we all think dark things sometimes. In fact, I know we do. But it’s fleeting, and perhaps the whole reason I fixate is because I spend so much time caring not to even accidentally offend or hurt others. Perhaps it’s a wish-fullfillment where I just want to let go and be opposite from what I am for a bit. Then again, smacking the hell out of my psycho ex-girlfriend I dated right after college does have a nice ring to it.
When I started dating my girlfriend, we only occasionally got to see each other. I was so busy. She was so busy. Yet, when we did see each other, it was magical. It’s hard to describe really. It wasn’t gung ho passion or a one upping contest of “here’s my stories, aren’t they awesome, and , by consequence make me awesome?” It wasnt go go go all the time. No, nothing like that. It was just…..smooth. It was easy. We talked naturally and had a good time and always paid attention to each other and just had fun doing nothing or doing a lot. Maybe the best way to describe it is that, no matter what we were doing, it didn’t feel like we were burning fuel: it didn’t seem like whatever we were doing was bound to run out.
I’ve had girlfriends and loves before. I can say without a doubt, that’s not typical. Usually, it’s all giddiness and being out of your mind over someone and sacrificing friends, family and whatever else to be with them all the time. It’s confessions of true love and demonstrations of affection you’re quite sure no man she’s met before has quite topped. It’s like you’re proving to her (and yourself) just how into the whole thing you are.
I bring all this up because I have a couple of friends that have started dating people recently and they’ve kind of disappeared into their couple cocoons. One guy I haven’t seen or heard from in almost a month. I’m not talking about not going out with much, I’m saying literally I haven’t gotten a call, text, email or notification he’s even online in like a month. It’s like he’s in prison somewhere. It’s not much better for this other friend of mind that started dating a guy. Same disappearing act.
I’m kind of concerned for both of them, because, while it’s exciting to go down the tunnel of love; they’re both old enough to know that passion like that burns out, and , much worse, blinds one to the truth. My one friend never wanted kids, yet he’s dating a woman with 3 small kids that are living with her mother while she gets set up in the city. So, he’s kind of glossing over the fact that she’s got these children that will be with them ALL THE TIME. My female friend has only talked about how in love she is with her new guy every time I talk to her, glossing over the fact that he got out of jail no less than 2 years ago for drugs and, by all appearances, kind of is a bumpkin redneck.
One day, and if I know these two individuals, one day unfortunately around 2 years down the road, the passion will have subsided and they’ll both be sitting in their respective houses bitching about how they can’t believe they hooked up with this shmuck. He’ll be like, “Goddammit, why do these kids never shut up! And all you do is want to hang out with your children!.” She’ll say, “OMG, I cannot believe I went out with a guy that likes to go drinking on the river while listening to country music. I never get to go to indie shows anymore. What the hell was I thinking?!”
But then it will be too late, and the slow and destructive process of breaking up will begin. So, around year 3 for each of them, the straw will break and both will raise up out of there. For him, he’ll cry to me and talk about how he can’t believe he walked into this and he can’t take it anymore and all at once just move all his stuff out leaving a note on the table. She’ll fuck a guy she’s been insisting was only a friend of hers and then tell the bumpkin she can’t help that it went too far and she now has to move on.
And then afterwards, it will be like a drug comedown and by that time, I’ll be so fed up with it, they’ll likely have to take their crying elsewhere. And then they won’t even remember who they were exactly before they “fell in love.”
I guess I’m saying that passion does not equal love, and even more than that, it can be very dangerous if you’re starving for love. It can be real, but it all too often is not. I’ve seen people wind around for ten years before coming to the conclusion they just went too far being needy. And then they break up and because they’ve felt they made a mistake but now feel awkward being alone, they jump right into another relationship with someone that’s even more bizarrely not like them.
I hope for the best for both of them. I’m just really glad that everything feels natural with my girlfriend. It doesn’t feel forced. It doesn’t feel rushed or like we’ll lose each other if we’re apart for a few hours. I know she’ll be there when I’m done at work. She knows I’ll have a meal cooked for her when she gets back from the gym.
That’s not to say we don’t have passion. It’s just more like we admitted early on, “Oh yeah, this is totally working. How about that?” And then it was like we had been together forever already.
Who knows how these things work?